The Problem with Being a Perfectionist

Hello there!

When I first started this blog it was to be about an honest reflection of what it actually looked to be a closeted and solitary witch. So here it is, I'm a perfectionist, if I don't follow something nicely I will like the opportunity to start over, but life cannot be perfect. God and Goddess have blessed me with so many incredible things this week during my first week back at school. Somehow I felt bad about it only because I haven't written my blog posts. Wake up though! I want to share the blessings I'm experiencing on my path in a freeing way. Yes, having a scheduled blog post at the beginning has helped me start writing my blog, but I have lost a little of the incentive that I originally had in creating it.  This post is just a way of me not giving up on some aspect of my life, just because so many others are thriving all at once and require a lot of attention. That doesn't mean that only things directly related to the Divine realm have to do with writing and talking about it. The Divine is everywhere, I have seen so much of Spirit all around me this week encouraging me through my boyfriend, my hard work, and the positivity I have gained this week. I hope your week has been good too, if not this week than another. Brightest Blessings!

-The Closet Witch

The Wheel of the Year Turning to Yule!

Hey there!

Yule was on Sunday! I hope you had the brightest of blessings! It was also Sinterklaas Day so I hope you ate some stroopwafels, salted black licorice, chocolate letters, and all of the other things that are making me salivate right now, for me! If you read my last post on Divination, you will have realized that this week I am posting two posts as I was unable to last week during my finals! This Yule was so last minute its not even funny. Hence I hope those Sinterklaas day celebrators to have eaten yummy Dutch cuisine for me! Ordinarily, I like to spend the week immersing myself in Yule lore to get me excited and ready for the holidays. I like to connect with how my family has celebrated the winter solstice in the past like my Dutch heritage, as well as how I grew up in the Christian faith for Christmas Day which is tomorrow. This Yule, however, I figured out what I was doing during the ritual....

I had special winter solstice incense and oil, however I only used the incense in the last minute-ness. I opened up my Book of Shadows on my iPad and set up my altar, I had milk and cookies as my offering and set-up my portable altar. Even though it was last minute I liked what I did with the set-up. I turned off all of the lights in my room and lit candles. I really liked the atmosphere that this created. It reminded me of candle lit services on Christmas Eves of my childhood, but helped me embrace the magical life I am now embarking on. I consecrated my new Tarot deck, a gifted amethyst I received, and a dream catcher.

I don't know if it's just me, but this holiday season is always a melancholy one. Whether it be the seemingly happy but sad songs, or the lack of sun making people have seasonal affective disorder/Winter Depression (but seriously why did they have to make that spell sad?), it seems happy and sad at the same time. My Yule ritual was not perfect and neither was the day of Yule, but the time it took to set up the ritual and create a magical moment in the day was well worth it. It was one of those days where the fact that no one I knew was celebrating Yule prevented me from feeling any magic in my day. However, whenever I feel too lazy or beaten down, sitting in that magical space, in tune completely with the divine, and grounded, fills my spirit full of calm and happy centeredness.

My advice for the last minute Yule-celebrator is to not let the feeling of unpreparedness effect you. When you get in that space, focus on the message of that Sabbat or the purpose of your ritual. I found that the prayers I looked up while in my circle were exactly what I needed. Not going to lie, I repeated them many times to meditate on the message that I needed to gain from this Yule time in my life. The Sun is returning! Interpret that in whatever way your soul is calling you to interpret it. 

It was a very uplifting and stress erasing Yule time for me, I hope you were surrounded by love either by friends, family, or only the divine on Yule in what ever way your traditions practice. Blessed Be!

The Closet Witch

Coming Up: Witchy Web!

Coming Up After: Entering 2015!

Divination: Getting Started with Tarot

Hey there!

Finals week is just super fantastic right before Yule time! Was the sarcasm too obvious? Oh well! Due to finals week I did not post for last week, ergo my goal is to have two posts this week.This week I thought I'd talk a little bit about divination, but more specifically Tarot cards. 

As I've said before I've been practicing for about a year and a half so I am a total newbie to a lot of things. Tarot is definitely one of them. I tried purchasing a mini pocket tarot deck off of Amazon around the time I first started on this path, however, 1) I was overloaded with new information and didn't dedicate my time and energies towards it, nor HAD any time, 2) I couldn't connect with those cards at all because they were really awkward to handle and 3) they went missing by the time I returned from my time abroad...not naming any names haha. 

I have recently been going to my local metaphysical shop and looking at Pendulum's and decks because during Samhain I was sad I couldn't do any divination like runes, pendulum's or tarot. I did meditate, but I was anxious that day so it didn't end up working out in the way I had wanted. About two weeks ago I purchased my current Tarot deck, it's the Radiant Rider-Waite Tarot deck and I like it so much more than my first experience with Tarot a year ago. If you want to see more about it you can check it out on http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/cards/radiant-rider-waite/ .

Anyways, I was going to consecrate this deck on the last full moon of the year but silly me had been sleeping with it under my pillow in the dorm and didn't bring it with me when I went home that weekend! I will be consecrating it this weekend as it's Yule and also because I have Winter vacation yay!

I have kept this deck in a solid black drawstring bag that was in my metaphysical store. I bought that bag first before I purchased any deck because I wanted to make sure that when I had found the deck for me, it would have somewhere safe to be kept. 

I have chosen the Radiant Rider-Waite Tarot deck because I really don't feel like I will be comfortable with Tarot until I have learned one of the original and basic decks. I learn most things better if I first learn an outline and then I feel comfortable to customize something myself whether that be rituals or how I interpret Tarot. I chose the Radiant version because it has very beautiful colors, but is still very close to the original, I am very visual so this should help me progress better. 

I do think that after the holiday presents come in and I have some spending money I will buy an instructional book, but at the moment I am just using one of my favorite online instructions paganwiccan.about.com . Patti Wigington has a lot of free online courses and I have just re-started her Tarot 101 course. 

The first assignment has been completed without realizing it. I went to the metaphysical store multiple times, looked online, looked at Barnes n Noble etc. Finally I decided on one, I am super picky haha. I recommend when starting out to not overthink the art-work. It is good to feel like it should be appealing, but I was looking for something too specific to start with and it ended up frustrating me. I was trying to sort out if I should just buy one or if I should wait for one to call to me, but I'm sure that this advice will be more appropriate when I am comfortable with Tarot and am finding alternative decks. Needless to say I am happy with what I now have. 

I consecrated the deck during Yule and started the second assignment for the e-course right away. This e-course is a little mixture of both experienced readers and rookies. It is important to read the articles to help with when you are comfortable with Tarot, but I know that this will make more sense later on. The course is designed for a refresher and as a basic 101. I am making my way through the Major Arcana and so far I am really surprised with the self reflection that I am tracking in my Book of Shadows/Mirrors :)! I hope that tracking my journey through Tarot will be an example of one way to go about it!

Blessed Be!

The Closet Witch

Coming Up: Yule Time

Coming Up After: Witchy Web!

How Does a Closet Witch Celebrate the Esbats?

Hello there!

This past Saturday the 6th of December was the last full moon of the year! What better way to talk about Esbats than after this magical time? 

This weekend I did get to celebrate at home, so it was a little more elaborate, but there are two ways I as a closet witch celebrate the esbats in a private manner: the at-home Esbat and the dorm Esbat.

First let's get into the at-home Esbat since that's what I did this weekend. 

The first thing I like to do is look up which full moon is coming up and what it signifies.

This last full moon in the Northern Hemisphere was the Long Nights Moon (also known by a few other names). It signifies the longer nights during winter time and also the darker times in life. During this time it is important to focus on the knowledge that just as the sun will become stronger in the coming months, we can make it through the darker times and come out stronger ourselves. 

For each Esbat and Sabbat I like to write out a sort of order of prayers, chants and events that I will be doing a) for a record of what I did to look back on and b) to have a guideline of what I want to do without sitting in my sacred space twiddling my thumbs and wondering what I should do.

I like to make one up from scratch everytime to try out new things, however there are a few things I always like to include as a basic outline.

1) Circle Casting

2) Goddess Songs

3) A Prayer to the Goddess 

4) Esbat Ritual

5) Have a pen and blank paper

Before my Esbat I like to find a window that has a view of the full moon, or walk outside my house if necessary, and just breathe deep and focus on the feeling of the night. 

1) For my circle casting at home I use candles and incense for my altar. Here is a typical altar set-up for an esbat at home.

Here is a basic four element set-up of earth, water, air, fire. Along with that I put a triple moon to represent the stages of the goddess. I only put these moon symbols like this for Esbats. I also only have one candle to focus on the aspects of the Goddess at this time, although I do acknowledge the force of the god in my ritual. This is all on my altar cloth.

2) I like to listen to songs about the Goddess to raise awareness and energy. Some of my favorites are Inkubus Sukkubus's Wytches Chant, oh my god it is so powerful I have to listen to it at every Esbat, and also Marie Bruce's Moon Chant, which to be honest I didn't like at first, but I love listening to it every Esbat now. While I listen to these songs I think of the aspects of the Goddess in all of her forms. I am very effected by music so this is often my favorite part. 

3) I like to look up different Goddess prayers that focus on her power and love, but also focus on guidance and wisdom. 

4) The first Esbat rite I found was on paganwiccan.about.com and I still use it with little variation because I find that it still serves me rather well. 

5) And last but not least I always have a blank piece of paper and pen ready. At the end of my ritual I start by reading my previous paper that I have kept with my altar kit. This is what I had written down during the previous month's Esbat. I write what I would like to banish in my life and what I would like to gain in this next month. I journal in my Book of Mirrors/Stars and write what has changed over the last month and what I look forward to in the next month. 

Once the rite is done, if I have any meditation I have wanted to try during a full moon I will go into that, I will consecrate any new tools, or I will cleanse some new stones. I like to end by listening to another Goddess song usually and then I close the circle. After the circle is closed I often like to go to an open window and read the two columns of Banish and Receive as I can't normally burn my paper in ritual. I usually just put the previous months Banish and Receive list in a shredder. 

For the dorm Esbat I do a similar ritual except I usually have to sit in my bed while my roomates are doing homework below (I have a top bunk), or wait until they are not there (I tend not to do the latter because I'm nervous that they will enter the room). I set up the altar like so:

Here I have just an emptied pencil holder from Target or Staples, my tea-light battery candle, and my triple moon on my altar cloth. When its dark it looks really cool!

The circle casting is very mental instead of represented by physical symbols, I call the four quarters but just imagine what each element represents and imagine their traits, i.e. fire is passionate but literally hot. 

The rest of the Esbat follows the same steps other than that, just a little more discreet. 

Something that helps me the most as a solitary closet witch is the reminder that we are all together underneath the moon. The fact that another person is celebrating the Goddess under the same moon, possibly at the same time as me, always brings a smile to my face.

Brightest Blessings and I hope you had a wonderful Esbat!

The Closet Witch

Coming Up: Divination: Tarot

Coming Up After: The Wheel of the Year Turning to Yule

Witchy Literature: Living Wicca- Scott Cunningham

I love Goodreads to pieces. I started before my friends and before I was a witch. Now I have friends on it and can't track my thoughts and feelings on my witchy books. 

This is the first post of Witchy Literature where I talk about the current book I'm reading that is helping me grow in my practice. I plan on updating my status on Witchy Literature at least at the beginning, the middle and the end of a book. If there is something awesomely cool about something I find in a random section, I'll share, but this is a general anticipation. I always buy physical copies and I cover them with book covers made from paper bags!

Currently I am reading Living Wicca: A Further Guide for the Solitary Practitioner, by Scott Cunningham. This is the second book by Scott Cunningham that I am reading, the first being Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner. I recently finished his first guide which was actually the first book regarding witchcraft I had ever read. I bought it before I traveled, but I didn't bring it (long story). I liked the first one pretty well as a basic 101, but I do hope his next one is a bit more updated. I have heard that people like this second guide a lot and I would have bought it first, however, I have a quirk where I hate going out of order. That being said, I read the first one and now I look forward to this one. 

Enough chit chat about my background with Scott Cunningham's books!

I purchased this book from a small local metaphysical store by my house. I like to have physical books in general, but I feel it is essential to have physical copies of spiritual books as references to look back on. 

At the moment I am on page 13. My first impressions of the book are oh my gosh Scott Cunningham has a way of getting me so pumped! I love the way he writes, it isn't like a daunting knowledge guru, or a distant teacher. Cunningham writes his books in a way that makes me feel like I am having my own session with him to help me out with the questions I have. The Universe is definitely answering every one of my questions while I read the book as well as reaffirming things that I have found out for myself. 

Cunningham separates his book in sections. I have only read the first section, but already I feel as though a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Instead of feeling the overwhelming feeling of being a solitary witch that has to be self-taught, I feel incredibly empowered! As I read the principles of being a successful solitary witch I was reaffirmed, "Heck yes! I get to walk a path that is completely my own, I no longer walk a path that in some areas feels unnatural! If something doesn't feel right, I can change it." 

Sometimes I have a feeling when I am doing something that I have to hurry up. If I'm writing in my Book of Mirrors/Stars I feel that as soon as I place my pen down on the page I have to hurry up. Sometimes this is because I'm afraid I will loose my thought, but other times it's just impatience. This first part of this book really spoke to me in a comforting way. I don't have to hurry up and walk my spiritual path, I get to have fun piecing everything together over time. It will change and SHOULD change for me if I want to truly grow. I am just super excited to continue reading this book because I can tell from the first section that it is a positive and empowering step to my journey. 

The Closet Witch

Coming Up: How I celebrate the Esbats

Coming Up After: Divination

My Portable Dorm Altar Kit

Hello again!

This week is Thanksgiving week in the United States. I thought I'd go into what witchy things I take with me to my dorm and when I travel to and from the dorm.

Packing for a dorm is a little bit up in the air sometimes. "Should I bring 10 or 5 pairs of shoes,", &, "Do I really need ALL of my blankets?". The major bummer for me though, was that I couldn't bring any candles or incense. Sad day. Well through some brain storming I finally settled on these things for my portable altar to keep in my room. In fact, this is my first official altar because I have been traveling so much I needed something small! Keep in mind this was collected over a years' time, so, unless you are leaving soon, it's actually really fun to slowly add miniatures to a portable altar for when you have to leave.

Oh là là!

Above is the basket that I keep everything in along with my Book of Mirrors/ Stars. I purchased both at Hobby Lobby.

This is my altar cloth that I also purchased at Hobby Lobby for I think $1.00. It was a bandana cloth. Ignore the leftover wax haha. It's about 21 x 21 inches.

Here are my representations for the God and Goddess. I purchased both of these off of eBay. The stag is actually supposed to be a hair accesory and the Moon came with a few others that I keep to form the triple moon during Esbats.

Here are my representations of the elements. Earth is represented by the vial of sand from a beach close to my hometown. I bought the vials from eBay as well, 4 in a package. I actually put water into the mini chalice which I believe is from an old Barbie doll collection that somehow found its way into my foot one day upon awakening. Not my best morning. However, now I have an itty bitty cute chalice! Air is represented by the feather charm, I purchased this off of eBay and it came with another one (which I fully intend to make into a necklace because it's pretty!). Fire is represented by a flickering candle that I bought from Hobby Lobby as well. Last, but not least, is the pentacle, it's a penny with a sharpie pentacle. I got this idea from Patti Wigington on one of the most helpful website of the beginning of my practice paganwiccan.about.com. The direct page that has this penny pentacle idea is: http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/shoppingandsupplies/ss/Portable_Altar_4.htm#step-heading

The box of crystals was actually given to me by my Mom because she knows I've always collected rocks and crystals since I was little. She got them in a small beach gift shop. I use these for colors mostly, especially since I'm not very familiar with a lot of crystal magic. The purple amethyst was a parting gift from a coworker while I was abroad. It was actually an out of the blue gift, but I love it!

This was originally a bookmark. I hold the angel in my hand and use it as an athame when casting my circles. When I go home and get to use candles I use the bottom of the angel end as a candle snuffer.

These two vials are thing to do and not do when collecting things in vials. DO: collect fun shells from the beach. DONT collect sea water or salt water into vials unless using them soon. Otherwise your vial will do this weird salt build up pirates-of-the-caribbean-esque thing haha.

I consecrated all of these items since they were in so many different hands before using them. I try not to get really obvious things when sending them to my parents' home because they like to open my mail (They never read who it is to). I also fold the pentacle into the altar cloth just in case I get a nosy roomate. 

This is the basket with everything in it (Excluding the Book of Mirrors/Stars, I like keeping that outside for easy access). 

Thank you for reading! I hope I helped anyone packing a portable kit!

Coming up: Books I am currently reading 

Coming up after:  Esbats!

The Closet Witch

Hello there!

Well hello and welcome! I'm very excited to start this blog, and I hope you will be excited to read it! First off I'll tell you a bit about myself. Who am I? What do I do? What are my beliefs? Why am I a closeted witch?

I am a college student in the U.S. of A., I was born and raised in California, and I'm 21. 

I recently spent almost a year abroad and I'm finally back to finish school.

Here is a little history on my beliefs. I was raised Christian, like a lot of people who find the natural religions I know, and these beliefs were NEVER shaken. I taught the bible to children and lead other ages as well. I volunteered to help my church and other less fortunate people etc. The whole shebang. There wasn't one event that made me feel resent and anger toward Christianity and there still isn't. I never thought my beliefs would change. In the end it wasn't my beliefs that ever did change, just the label by which to define them. 

The major thing that led me to a pagan path was when I realized that I didn't feel comfortable saying I was a Christian to myself if I didn't believe the exact same thing that the Bible did. Again, nothing was wrong with the Bible, but I felt like I was being dishonest with the Christian God if I said that yes I fit into that when I knew that I didn't. I was usually saying, "The Bible says this..." however, in my mind I was saying, "...however...". 

For example:

I read a bible devotional that said that God was made of both woman and man attributes to be one God. I thought to myself, "Oh my gosh, that makes so much sense to me!" This led me to really understand the feeling I had always had, an androgynous God not a "He".

In high school and college there were quite a few deaths that I heard of. Three were suicides and one was a freak health accident. The one that hit a nerve was the latter, because I knew this person. Everyone was putting on their mourning face and saying he was so good and they knew he was with his family in heaven. In my head I kept thinking, okay but in the Bible he would go to hell, there is obviously the possibility of God taking him into heaven because I can't judge, but same with the suicides. Suicide equals death for eternity in hell. Right?

Fast forward to when I met my now boyfriend a few years ago. He has a different religion than mine then and now. The discussion of religion with him really did force me to acknowledge what I had been thinking all along= I know that no matter what religion you practice, God would be happy to see how much love and faith you have in your worship for him. 

Then in September of last year (don't judge) I was watching Practical Magic with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman. I LOVE Halloween so I was getting my Halloween movies in early. What struck me as interesting was when Sandra Bullock says, "There is no devil in the craft,". What???

Mind you, this whole time I had tried to be fair to every religion and only spoke of what I knew of it, if I didn't know enough about it I would look it up. I was so upset with myself that I completely assumed everything about witchcraft and pagan paths based on what I grew up with instead of facts. Needless to say I started looking Wicca up online and realized that too much of what the overall general beliefs of Wicca (I know not the more specific ones) were the exact ideas I had pushed back!

There is a whole long journey that happened in between my growth in my path, including going abroad, but that can come at another time. 

Why am I closeted?

People have their own preferences and feel that being closeted isn't the best solution. In my circumstances, I find it is the most harmless way to be able to worship the God and Goddess in peace. Two people know, myself and my boyfriend (and probably the girl at the bookstore that I buy my books from haha). This is the way I practice that is workable with the situations in my life, but I know that if things were a little different, I wouldn't be closeted. I believe that the world-view in a lot of places is changing and I do believe that it will eventually help others come out of the broom closet. However, in this state and time I am peacefully growing on my path and wanted this chance to grow more by creating a community that I can be a part of.

I believe that my path will constantly grow, however at this moment I consider myself a solitary witch. I've always had a strong feeling to be connected with my heritage from Europe and from North America. 

Until next time, Blessed Be!

Coming up: I show you my portable altar that I bring to my dorm!

Coming up after: Books, Books, Books!

-The Closet Witch